Rachael McNeil
We Are Not Alone
Sitting here today, thinking about my story for the first time in a long time, I realize how amazing it is how much one person can really endure, on so many levels - mainly emotional. Knowing now that I was able to heal from this experience leaves me with a sense of pride and accomplishment that I hope will help others.
My story is not a usual burn trauma as I fell victim to another person's foolish and drunken mistake.
On April 6, 2008, I was at a bonfire with all of my friends. Everyone was just standing around, talking, having fun when one of my friends started screaming, and another threw me to the ground. What I remember was the immediate and excruciating pain, while people were struggling to undo my belt to get my jeans off. Then someone handed me a sweatshirt to wrap around myself, as my best friend rushed me to hospital. I woke up the next morning to find my mom and dad in my room explaining everything that had happened to me. A boy, who was never identified, threw a bottle of gasoline onto the bonfire, which had been the cause of my injury. I stayed in the surgery recovery unit at the Chilliwack Hospital for three weeks. Then I was sent home for two weeks of home care, until my mom convinced the medical team to refer me to the Burn Unit at Vancouver General Hospital and see a burn specialist, Doctor Papp. I was immediately scheduled for skin grafts the following week, and went on to spend some time recovering on the Burn Unit. My mom and I met with a few people from the BCPFF Burn Fund who shared information about the future and what could be expected. One of the Burn Fund team was Kristy Storey, who was also a burn survivor, and a member of The Future Is Mine, and it was really helpful to me.
After being sent home from the Burn Unit, I healed 100% with no complications and was ready to start my life again. I had an awesome summer and attended burn camp. However, in November I started having nightmares, losing sleep, became depressed and I just didn’t like the thought of interacting with anybody no matter who it was. My fear of fire grew to the point where I was not able to fall asleep just in case something happened, so I would be awake to deal with it! I had four fire alarms in my room, and kept my shoes and important things by my bed for an easy escape. I was eventually referred through Victim Services to this amazing counselor who specialized in post-traumatic stress disorder, and through weekly visits and different activities, brought me to a place where I can manage my fears in a healthy way.
I started work again for a few months and then decided to move to Salmon Arm to stay with my best friend and her family. I worked all summer to save up for it, and now share a one bedroom apartment with my best friend, while I work and save up for school.
To this day, I have never met the boy who threw the gasoline-filled bottle onto the bonfire, but I have no regrets or anger towards how he changed my life. I have learned to be truly grateful for each new opportunity that I am given, as well as for all those in my life. During the past last year, I have battled many ups and downs, which have included managing depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and the curious stares from the people around me. Being burned on my legs gives me the option to wear pants and have no one even know, though I'm at the stage now where I can be comfortable with myself, and so can wear shorts and a bathing suit. After spending my first summer constricted to wearing my pressure garments and having everyone stare with questions like “Why is that girl wearing those pants at the beach?”. By the time this summer came around, I was allowed to be outside in the sun for a limited time without my bandages. I just learned to accept the way people would look at my scars and having some even stop to ask. After a while, if someone would look in a curious way, I would simply just say I was in an accident in which I was severely burned, they would be sympathetic and then they would move on. I just learned to be open with other people’s curiosity. This journey has taken me to this day of writing my story, and honestly, maybe longer to accept my new self completely, but I am well on my way.
To me my story isn't what happened as a result of my accident, but it is about the journey I have been taking towards discovering the person that I am today. So far it’s taken me across the province, and meeting many new people. With all the people and experiences, this has again helped me to fully understand that in spite of my burns, I would not change any part of this life's journey - not for anything in the world!
The hardest part of my journey so far, is the feeling I get when I am alone. It wasn't until I was invited to attend Burn Camp in 2008 when I started to realize I am not alone. Being at the camp helped show me that no matter what happens, you can always turn to someone for help. Seeing all those kids smiling and laughing reminded me that one day even though at the time my burns were only four months old, I would too be fine and happy again.
I recently joined The Future Is Mine, the support program for adult burn survivors, and through FACEBOOK (The Future Is Mine page is for burn survivors only), I have already had a few people contact me to discuss our stories. I feel that I will forever have the benefit of using this opportunity in helping me through further challenges I may encounter on my journey.
To me, being a survivor is just another story in life. Every scar tells something about you, as does your first bike ride or tree climb or play fighting with a brother or sister. I may have bigger scars, but they will someday fade. But they will remind me of this chapter in my life. My scars are beautiful and they are the reason I am who I am and always will be.
By: Rachael McNeil
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