Survivor Profile - Patti Hengstler

Living with Intention

Many people in this world have lived through tragedy whether directly or indirectly. To me, the stories shared of courage and determination are always so fascinating, touching and most definitely inspiring. I have always found one's sense of will and perseverance extraordinary. The human spirit continues to inspire people around the world daily, and the strength one receives from another's survival and personal experiences is immeasurable. I would first like to thank all those whom have shared with me their most personal tragedies. How they found, and most importantly, taught themselves to move on, move forward, never forget, never give up and always continue learning. These teachings I started to receive as a small child, and continue to draw strength from today.

I was only 4 years old, and I can still remember the feeling of being tied down, delirious and thirstier than a desert storm....I was just waking from major open heart surgery. One so intricate, that at that time, of all successful open heart surgeries of this caliber, there had only been three survivors out of eight. Of course, I was unaware of this at the time, or, that this was to be the start of my major life memories....or , for that matter, that this was my 3rd heart surgery!

My name is Patricia. I am not a victim. I am a survivor. A survivor for 29 years and counting. Although my story begins with my heart surgeries, it continues on next with hepatitis C, which I contracted following tainted blood transfusions I received during my last heart surgery. Though I was only 4 when I had the surgery, it was not until I was in the 11th grade I had found out I was carrying the illness. Marvelously, I was not ill! It was dormant in my body, NOT an STD, and to this day, continues to be in a state of what the doctors consider 'fought off'. But imagine the surprise, questions and fear of it re-activating! The sorrow in my mother's eyes spoke for itself. I wanted to tell her it would be o.k... I knew I was a fighter... at least, that's what my grandmother always said. My mother knew that there was nothing she could do to protect me. I knew that only time would tell.

April 27, 2005. Here I was, standing on our property, enjoying the warmth of a hot fire, magnificent lakeside living, the company of a few friends, and the knowledge that I would soon be snuggling my husband, whom had previously gone to bed. It was then that we heard a funny noise, and before I had time to turn and look, something smashed into me from behind, launching me into our firepit. I saw the fire, and new I was going to land right smack in the middle. I instinctively prepared myself to land on my right side, and planned on immediately rolling out onto the grass and into the lake, if need be. Well, it needed to be! Before I could roll out, it was on me! Everything was blurry. I tried to push it off of me, but it was soo heavy! I didn't understand, I thought, if this is the 4 - wheeler up on my hip, then I should be able to push it off, God knows, I have before. And then, the burning! The burning!! I was burning alive in a fire pit after our 3/4 ton Dodge truck had came out of gear, rolled down the hill and was now parked, unoccupied, engine off, on my left hip! I remember a chilling scream "Get it off of me!"....moments passed slowly. The crackling fire on my body, shattered the utter silence of the night. I remember thinking, this is it. Then, with the roar of the engine, and a burnout on my hip, I was free! I jumped up....though delirious (again), and immediately directed somebody to wake my husband up to drive me to the hospital, while I proceeded to lay my body in the lake, distinguishing the burning embers embedded in my right leg and arm. We live 40 minutes away from any city or hospital, so calling 911 was out of the question to me, as it would have taken double the amount of time until treatment. I knew I was bad. On the drive in I could feel my respirations become very'wet' and shallow. I had received 17%, 3rd degree burns to my right leg, and arm (burning right through the tendons in my wrist), and three broken ribs, one which had snapped clean off in two spots, skimming my lung, and rested in a loose 'floating' state beside my lung. My survival was questionable, and would continue to be for another ten days, as my heart put me at further risk. I spent the next month in the burn unit at VGH with either my mother or my husband by my side every day and night. The staff were brilliant. Support of friends and family billowing in was brilliant. The fact that my torso was free of burns, except for a distinct heart shaped branded under my left breast, was brilliant! Much home care, physio, and pressure garments followed.

In the hospital, I was happy. I felt immediately blessed, to simply be alive! I was grateful for my amazing support system, morphine, and that I still had all my hair! Four months later, the trauma of the accident hit me, and I found myself insanely scared of life, instead of embracing it. I hated my scars, instead of seeing the beauty that they held. I was suffering from PTS (Post Traumatic Stress). I had never felt mortality like this before. I didn't like it. I began to think of myself much as one would should they be terminally ill. The turning point was when I then thought, should they too not have hope? Here I was worried that between my leaking heart valve (still presently taunting me), my hep c, or some crazy freak accident, I was a gonner. HA, boy, was I wrong... there is a heck of a lot more out there that could potentially end this life of mine than just those three elements; this gracious life that I had been taking for granted for much, much to long! It was then that I awoke, understanding that I was well and healthy. I was not dying, although, I realized that my life was just as fragile as one with a terminal illness. My depression turned madly into empowerment for not wanting to waste another breath on feeling sorry for myself, and to get busy living!

My sister said it perfectly... she said "Patti, these are your tattoos... like mother earth put special markings on your body as proof of your strength". Then I realized everybody has scars, and everybody has had pain, but some people are thevisual carriers. We carry the markings of human strength of spirit, resilience, and determination on our bodies to remind the rest of the world that we all hold these abilities, physical scars or not... because... every day we wake to another morning is a new beginning... an opportunity to get involved with ourselves, and the lives that we lead. Many of us wake to what we consider 'just another day'. Understandably our lives cannot possibly be filled with great excitement every second, but it is up to us to find purpose and meaning and joy out of each breath that we are blessed with. Each breath feeds our body life, providing us with the essential tool necessary to not only make goals, but also give us the ability to work at achieving them. Life is that invisible force field that breathes within each of us, letting us feel great joy, and of course, great pain. Many of us don't recognize that the simple gift of being given another day is just that... a gift. Time is a present that we can enjoy only in the present, because every second and moment of our lives will never happen again. Living in the ultimate present, and recognizing that we are in control of how we emotionally live each moment, will no doubt, dictate the way our life unfolds, and is the key to ultimate happiness.

I was so over feeling sorry for myself and ashamed of my scars. I was tired of putting on the happy face, and wanted to genuinely wear it. I was done being equally afraid of life, as I was death. More than that, I was completely finished about being worried of what others thought.

I had to ask myself, What do I reallywant out of this life?How do I want this day to go? What am I going to do today to begin the rest of my life? What are my goals, and how am I going to reach them? What action must I take to accomplish such dreams? What must I do to stop the re-occurring suffering in my heart? I had to ask myself not only what causes my body to spark and my soul to fly, but also what I do, or not do, to impeed this from happening. So many of us complain about life, but never take active action in changing. I imagine it is largely due to the fact that change simply is a scary thought, and safe is, well...safe.

I refuse to continue holding fear of the unknown, and the possibility of failure in my life equation for a second longer. I need to bring justice to the life blood and oxygen streaming through my body. I AM ALIVE TODAY, right now!... and although I don't have a clue what the future has in store, I am excited about it! I believe that living presently and setting goals absolutley go hand in hand. Now, I don't set future goals based on what is easiest, and safe... it is important, to me that they be either challenging, full of inspiration, love, or even fear. Yes, fear!... All the trauma, heartache, physical pain, and mental anguish I have felt throughout life (and of course continue to), I take and manifest into empowerment. Everyone that deals with pain has the ability to do so by recognizing ones own resilience, strength of character, and the total beauty within. It is not without hard times that we could possibly know how prescious the good times are. Likewise, it is not without the end of one thing, for a new beginning to arise. We must create space for that to happen, uniquely dependent on one's own circumstance, of course. We must take action. For me it was taking passions of mine like, cycling, reading, wakeboarding,, nutrition, fire dancing, swimming, writing, pilates, gardening, my relationships.... and living like I meant it! For others, I am sure the list would be different, but find your passions, embody them, and create the best version of yourself, for yourself, that you possibly can!

The fact that I have been given a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th major life chance at life is huge! I must live while I am still alive!

Get to know yourself. Believe in yourself. Create dreams. Self reflect... often. Live adventurously. Be happy in the present. Find peace within. Feed your body right... it's your engine. Let people in. Hug the ones you love, and tell them at least once. Smile every day. Challenge yourself! Create excitement within....but most importantly, live life like you mean it,live life like you want it..........live life with intention.

Patti's burn injuries
Patti living with intention

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